United States—After watching the barbaric tactics of countries like Sweden and decrying them with great vigor, the United States is now combating the novel coronavirus in a novel way: mob immunity.
“Sweden’s herd immunity strategy is not only anti-scientific, but it ignores the sanctity of life,” said abortion doctor Ross Lance while ripping a baby’s head off during an interview. “Even one life lost to coronavirus is a life too many.”
The protests around the nation are a valiant tool in fighting COVID-19, which is notably worse on minorities, possibly as a result of vitamin D production. As such, it’s important that we quickly find a way to end the disease.
“Herd immunity is a death tool of capitalists,” an anonymous Antifa member in Portland commented while beating up a deplorable Boomer with a car jack, which he’d stolen, since he only drives a bike and is a freegan himself. “People need to #stayhome, #stayhealthy, unless they agree to participate in mob immunity, which is the tool we’ve been needing to stop the spread of this disease and of the steady rise in the number of rich people—don’t know which disease is worse.”
The Antifa member then lifted his facemask and spit on the CNN reporter in a show of solidarity with George Floyd, who was brutally executed by a now-apprehended corrupt cop.
In a statement, Joe Biden said that he supports the rage that people are feeling. “Look, look, I felt that way once, I did. I hear you. I, I, I used a chain, a chain on CornPop, after telling him that I was going to, ‘Look, gonna come up there and yank you off.’ So, like I was saying, two stones with one bird here, we kill the mob and get justice for the virus.”
President Trump, on the other hand, has implored protestors to stop the senseless burning, or at least to please not burn down the McDonald’s. “Mess with the fries, everybody dies,” he Tweeted.
Breaking Update: New York health officials and CDC scientists have announced today that racism has in fact killed the novel coronavirus.