Washington, DC—In an effort to prevent financial catastrophe, the United States is honoring the death of fiscal responsibility with the HEROES Act. HEROES stands for Higher Education Relief Opportunities For Students, and it’s going to save America from the dreaded coronavirus, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi claims.
The 101,931 page-long bill doesn’t just cover students, though. It also helps out educators and gives them all tax-exempt military pay as frontline soldiers against the Invisible Enemy. Realizing that teachers in face-to-face educational settings will see casualty rates in the range of 99-100%, and sometimes higher in red states, which sadly embrace the deadly disease, the Democrats have launched into action to save lives, or at least make them more costly. Its the right thing to do now that being a teacher is far more dangerous than other jobs, such as being a member of Seal Team Six.
Each educator will be given the same tax-exempt benefits that active-duty military members receive, including both BAH and BAS, the military’s acronyms indicating supplementary housing and food income. They’ll also be inducted into the pay grade of O-6, which is a field-grade officer pay equivalent to a full-bird colonel in the United States Air Force.
It’s thought that the bill won’t actually stop coronavirus through any medical advances; rather if it destroys the economy, bankrupts Americans, and causes them to starve to death, the shortage of living people will itself impede the spread of the rampant plague.