Johns Hopkins Data Confirms COVID-19, Utah in Committed Relationship

Johns Hopkins Data Confirms COVID-19, Utah in Committed Relationship

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Salt Lake City, UT—People were choking up from joy and coronavirus-related respiratory distress as hundreds welcomed home missionaries from the Church of Christ of Latter Day Saints.

LDS missionaries arriving home.

One young elder commented to local reporters, “People say that we should be scared of everyone out there in the throng, but we already got COVID-19 right before getting on the flight over here, so what’s to worry about, really?”

Johns Hopkins, which has been using arcgis mapping to provide routine updates to the extent of COVID-19 exposure, said that post welcoming-ceremony data shows that Utah is now in a committed relationship with the world-destroying pathogen.

Katelyn Flannagan, one of the head epidemiologists with the university, remarked,

“It’s an odd route to take, just embracing the virus like that, but it spices up our graphs. We’re a little confused, though, because the church has imported SARS, swine flu, and even ebolavirus Zaire in the past couple of days, which is an odd step to take. Usually people only marry themselves to one humanity-crushing disease at a time. The Utahns seem not to be able to settle for just one deadly microbe at a time.”

In unrelated news, a falling trumpet struck one of the elders, aged just 17, on the head. A megavolcano was also found to be brewing just north of Logan, Utah, and a new tectonic fissure split the Great Salt Lake apart. A windstorm was observed coming out of the north—an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The center of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was human, but each of them had four faces and four wings. Their legs were straight; their feet were like those of a calf and gleamed like burnished bronze. Under their wings on their four sides they had human hands. All four of them had faces and wings, and the wings of one touched the wings of another. Each one went straight ahead; they did not turn as they moved.

Panera Bread is now offering delivery for the greater SLC area through an arrangement with DoorDash.

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