Dickinson, ND—Prudent, local adulterer Bryan Franzel has been following the news on COVID-19 carefully, and said he just didn’t feel ok sleeping with a woman who wasn’t his own wife. Well, at least not until she’d tested negative for the novel coronavirus.
“I’m young and in my prime,” he told our publication. “Would you pet a dog if you don’t know where it’d been? There are plenty of slabs of meat, but would you pick the steak from the cow that might have, uh, well mad cow? You’ve got to be careful with that coronavirus.”
He said that though he’s in his prime, he still fears that it might strike him down. Plus, he remarked, there are other ways to cheat until the all-clear is given on the terrible plague. And by all-clear, he means the test results from the strumpet he’s been eyeing, and they’d better say, “Negative.”
Mr. Franzel says he believes that the disease will totally change dating, with much more attention being given to being disease-free than in prior years, although he thinks that asking to be checked for STDs is “a little excessive.” He also says that women are like lawnmowers: no one cares about them too much, but boy it’s upsetting if you find out that your neighbor has taken yours for a spin without asking.
“Look, women just want stability and care, so I tell them that I’ll give them that just as soon as I dump the old sow in my back 40. It’s a real love story. Of course with Tinder, heck, you can avoid the clingy ones anyway!”
He hopes that the lockdowns will end soon, as he thinks that the state shouldn’t be involved in anyone’s bedroom, and he’s really tired of the forced monogamy.