California Detonates Small, Thermonuclear Warhead on Skatepark to Prevent COVID-19
Venice Beach, California—Governor Gavin Newsom yesterday morning took another brave step forward in the fight against the spread of coronavirus. At 11:30 on May 4th, he ordered the detonation of a small, nuclear warhead in a skate park located in Venice Beach.
During the scheduled, nuclear cleansing of the park, Newsom delivered an inspiring message.
“We banned people from skating. We filled in the park with sand. We’ve done everything to stop the spread of COVID-19 at that dang thing, but just yesterday my roving helicopter patrols caught people using it as a BMX playground.”
“Well, it’s not a playground,” Newsom said. “So I’m glassing it. Yep, in 5 five minutes, that thing’s going to be hotter than the surface of the sun. You know, all those young skaters and bikers thought that COVID-19 would have no ill consequences for them, but I’d consider being flash-vaporized a pretty ill consequence, wouldn’t you?”
Newsom reiterated that the detonation of the warhead was being done to prevent the deaths of billions of innocent lives, and at the cost of only a few million in the local area. “Simple math, really,” he remarked.
The state will also be stepping up its police measures, with tanks being stationed at all public squares, and an increase of itinerant helicopter chopper sniper squads. The Sniper Squads, or SS for short, will be staffed by only the bravest Californians who seek state unity and loyalty in this trying time, and are willing to go the extra mile to keep people safe.
Newsom’s office says that a fleet of A-10 Warthog aircraft have been ordered and will promptly “ensure compliance” via Gatling gun of anyone who breaks social distancing protocols.