“Republican Mayor Steals Iowa—Geriatric, Native American; Communist Disappointed”

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Des Moines—With the help of an app developed by Spectre, Inc., Republicans were able to get their Trojan-horse candidate the top spot in the Iowa caucuses. While the app initially had a spotty development, it was finished just in time with the help of an elite group of coders loaned to the DNC by Vladmir Putin.

Elizabeth Warren, the lone Native American candidate, was happy to receive 18% of the turnout in a historically white-leaning state. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders complained that the election was being stolen from him, an unusual result after the unbiased nature of the 2016 Dem primary, where DNC leaders did nothing to undermine him.

The bitterest result was for one-time frontrunner Joe Biden. While he’d promised “no malarkey,” things have gone downhill since his 102nd birthday last November, and his poll numbers have been on a consistently slumping trajectory.

Though Biden’s left eyeball is no longer falling out as it was last fall, he still suffers bouts of narcolepsy and lethargy. A young girl has been assigned to the candidate—anytime Biden starts to fall asleep, a handler shoves the child toward the him, temporarily stimulating Joe into a wild hair-sniffing and groping spree.

Amy Klobuchar is also still in the race, touting her new skill of eating salad with a fork instead of a comb.