Reading Time: 2 minutesAn old coworker once told me that he was spending a good deal of money on a website where he could subscribe to a certain girl and watch her perform sexual acts and apparently also work on cars while naked. It was easy for me to list off the reasons I didn’t think this was healthy, moral, or financially prudent (and sure enough, his marriage fell apart). I think that…
Reading Time: < 1 minuteI love roller coasters and have a particular fondness for ones made by the Swiss company Bolliger & Mabillard. Through the ups and downs of the run, I’m able to have fun because much thought went into the design, and I know I’m going to be safe in the end. The ups and downs of life are also much easier for me knowing that I’m following a design made by…
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThanks to Biden’s steady hand at the helm, nutritionists across America expect that the country’s obesity epidemic may be entirely over by the end of Biden’s first term in office.
Reading Time: 2 minutesJacobs, a political science PhD remote working for a non-profit in Aspen, is an expert on listening to experts. In fact, he said there’s no way to be certain that you’re right if you don’t agree with them.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn the past, society was been intolerant and bigoted, but this sprint was proof that equity was coming to all women, no matter how furry and fanged they might be.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Let them come. There is still one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath.”
Reading Time: 4 minutesFor too long, people have thought of the news as something designed to give them information. Wrong! News is created to tell you what to believe, sure, but most importantly, how to feel—and that’s where I come in! No ads, no hijinks, just factory-fresh news, straight from me, Lucas Necesito. So let’s get started with the past week’s events!
Reading Time: 2 minutesMeanwhile, President Biden is also sending an exorcist to check on the Ghost of Kyiv, which he described in a press conference as, “Yeah, c’mon man, it might be fighting for you now, but who knows what a ghost is thinking…gimme a break.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesDeranged religious cultists are once again spreading their intolerance and bigotry abroad.
Reading Time: < 1 minute“This centaur is spouting off misinformation on a daily basis, and it’s time that Spotify used their status as a private company to remove him from the face of the planet. No holds barred. There are still killers for hire, and we’ll look the other way,” Psaki told reporters.
Reading Time: 2 minutesOsteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal sense.
Reading Time: 3 minutesBig tech suppresses certain ideas through social mechanisms and disallowing certain interactions. You’ve seen the playbook, which includes things like removing dislikes from ideas they support, prohibiting sharing of certain information entirely, banning heterodox thinkers who seem most open and might attract others, posting “fact-checks” which are factual though not truthful (and in some cases which are purely fallacious), and promoting certain concepts while disallowing others.
Reading Time: 2 minutesCheyenne, WY—John McCaye forgot for the second year in a row to change his profile picture on Veteran’s Day, and now he’s not getting the recognition that he deserves.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThough lambasted by far-right extremists, Mayor Pete spent most of his vacation in Acapulco, his shirt off, lovingly nursing his brand new margarita the first hour, and then several hundred thereafter. Acapulco was a great place to relax, since it was one of the few places not dealing with a supply-chain crisis, because it wasn’t in America where the person responsible for such things was absent and on vacation.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDr. Fauci is the model for the newest line of shampoo by Garnier. The novel formulation was partially produced in the Wuhan Labs and was extensively tested on live dogs, until they were dead dogs.
Reading Time: 2 minutesFresh off becoming a mega-millionaire as a humble public servant, Dr. Anthony Fauci is looking for more uses for his unique set of skills. And they won’t involve tedious coronaviruses from the Far East.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThanks to the events of the recent past, many people have been putting a huge emphasis on avoiding people who seem ill. They want to avoid contagion, so unless they’re healthcare workers, they don’t spend all day around sick people.
Reading Time: 3 minutes“There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.
Reading Time: 5 minutesMy friend [redacted] told me that things might be better if we societally-engineered everyone into getting vaccinated with our current vaccines. I told him that I owed him a longer response, but I didn’t have much time back then. I will submit this (hand-done, by me) transcription of a sliver of a speech for his consideration; I chose this because it was aimed at laypeople. Whether or not he finds it persuasive is beside the point; I owed him the explanation of why I held such opinions.
Reading Time: 3 minutesPart of being “self-sufficient” is having a close network that helps you. Self-sufficient communities exist far better than self-sufficient individuals, as there’s a need for human connection, and of course on the more technical side of things, people tend to specialize and have different strengths and weaknesses. In fact, one of the most successful such societies in the United States is probably the Amish. They survive so well because they focus on…
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Reading Time: 2 minutesBoulder, CO—Scientists at the University of Colorado School of Geophysics have overturned a long-held world record for planetary heat here on Earth. While the record was previously held by Iran’s Lut Desert, it’s been definitively relegated into the realm of sweaty has-beens.