Sometimes I amuse myself.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe White House—President Donald Trump unveiled the new Space Force logo today, saying to the White House Press, “Today, I give to you, my supporters, and even you traitors here in the press, a brand new Space Force logo. I designed it myself, and it is totally new, totally my idea. Totally unique, totally new, maybe even the most new, perhaps even ever.” He held up a depiction of the…
Reading Time: < 1 minutePresident Donald Trump says that he plans on imposing high tariffs on the import of the coronavirus, stating that there’s no reason Americans shouldn’t be making the deadly pathogen at home.
Reading Time: 2 minutesHost Anderson Cooper is set to deliver a fiery address tomorrow night, where he’ll point out to the 327 million morons in America—over 15 of whom watch his show—that Bernie’s gone off the rails and must be deplatformed.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“You dummies,” he added. “You can do what you decide to do, but you cannot decide what you will decide to do!” He quickly asked an aide if he’d used a double-double single negative-positive and if his last statement made any sense whatsoever.
Reading Time: 2 minutesHillary Clinton, the world’s most advanced, lifelike, and malevolent artificial intelligence, announced her choice of pronouns yesterday.
Reading Time: 2 minutesHillary Clinton, America’s most lifelike artificial intelligence, has opened old wounds with her one-time political foe, Bernie Sanders. In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, she said some remarkable things. “Listen, no one—” she managed to get out before her tuberculosis cough kicked in for a solid three minutes. “No one likes Bernie. He’s never accomplished anything, which makes him a clear and present danger in the White House. We…
Reading Time: 3 minutesRichmond, Virginia—A gun rights rally has concluded in Virginia, spilling only 0 buckets of blood versus the “untold millions” that CNN had predicted. In the wake of the hyper-violent protest that dressed itself up in a deceptive facade of peace, we interviewed a man in a local Starbucks, who was cowering bravely in a corner, with his Super Venti Flat White shaking in his hands too much for him to…
Reading Time: 2 minutesAs of the time of this writing, Mr. Sanders has upgraded being assimilated from “a constitutional right” to “a human right.” He also downgraded resistance from “don’t think it’ll work” to “is futile.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesMos Eisley, D.C.—President Donald Trump has revolutionized space as of 2020. While space used to be under the purview of the U.S. Air Force Space Command, the Commander in Chief noted that “they were buffoons and total crybabies,” and had the lot of them disbanded. Trump, pontificating to a crowd of horrified onlookers in the White House Press Briefing Room, explained “we’re going to have a bloodbath, a yuge bloodbath,…
Reading Time: 3 minutesFinally some good news in this world! In a stunning rebuke of all faiths everywhere, but especially of the really stupid ones, like Christianity, Professor Richard Dawkins has delivered a killing blow.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSays Osteen, “No repentance needed or your money back!”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHe requested that people not dead-name him, and is now running under the name “Aaren Whiz Elbert,” a nod to his genius plans. Out of respect for his tribal ancestry, he has indicated that he is more two-spirit (2S+) than transman, though “whatever wins the nomination works for me.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhen asked why the White House didn’t water with something more conventional, such as, say, water, Ms. Grisham rolled her eyes and snorted, “Water’s for toilets.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesWashington, D.C.—Note: This is part in a series on the Democratic Debates. We’ll check back in with Tuesday’s Carnage Coverage© tonight. Anthropologists with the Smithsonian Institute made a surprising discovery Monday as they found evidence of a massive, lost tribe of cannibals, spread across the entirety of the United States, in much the same way as a stage IV cancer. “We were reviewing some old artifacts from the 2010s, mostly…
Reading Time: 2 minutesI’m not sure that America was ready for a radical like me, calling on our country to examine whether or not we’re eating ourselves, and urging and gentle discourse. The US just isn’t ready to abandon bloodlust. Not y—” he said, but was cut short as Howard Dean went screaming by in the background.
Reading Time: 2 minutesSanders made the proclamation to a packed crowd at UC Berkeley, resulting in the crowd, some of whom already had lists of people to oppress, erupting into deafening jazz hands.
Reading Time: 2 minutesSeattle, WA—Boeing Company has been under incredible pressure in the ongoing Max debacle, from having to shut down the assembly line to flip-flopping and now requiring that all pilots be re-trained in special simulators. It’s estimated that the outlay of expenses for the Max are in the billions. A recent document dump has revealed that Boeing employees knew about the plane’s troubles before it crashed on two occasions, killing hundreds….
Reading Time: < 1 minuteCanberra—In startling climate change news, it has been reported that literally every single, last animal in Australia has been killed by fires in as a result of Catastrophic Global Warming©, which is a step below the IPCC’s predicted Apocalyptic Global Warming ©, which would also have killed the humans. (Though some climate change deniers have pointed out that the rising ocean level would have canceled out the wildfires.) As of…
Reading Time: 3 minutesYes, vagina can be used, but it’s to be used for people who have had surgery to make it. It doesn’t exist in nature. You can’t just find a vagina out in the wild.
Reading Time: 2 minutesModern day Iran. In the wake of violence in the Middle East, the Pew Research Center has polled 9,000 evangelicals across America to ascertain the group’s stance on war with Iran. Below are some of the findings: 98% of evangelicals support war with Iran, 1.5% oppose war, and .5% are undecided. Of those who support the war,▶ 87% support it because the Garden of Eden might be located there, ▶10%…
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Trump Administration recently announced that one Mr. Qasem Soleimani, an austere practitioner of Sun Tzu, was deliberately “denied boarding of his flight, permanently” in order to “prevent escalation of tension with Iran.” The late, bearded General was allegedly in Iraq, the 51st state in the union, in order to de-escalate tensions in informal talks with Saudi Arabia, when he tried to interfere with American interests by illegally attacking one…
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe woman stated her desire to be immersed for the forgiveness of her sins, of course, the many blessings and financial fortunes that God and Joel Osteen promise his followers.
Reading Time: 2 minutesTrumps says that the factory will be shipped quite quickly via air freight, at an expected 17,000 MPH.
Reading Time: 3 minutesThe United States of America, long a leader in troop deaths in never-ending wars, has become a laughing stock among nations in the past years as it has sought to draw-down troop numbers and conflicts. This has resulted in less patriotic bloodshed, and also less dead war heroes, which the nation values. “It’s really sad,” commented Stephanie Grisham, the White House Press Secretary. “We don’t give Obama enough credit for…
Reading Time: 4 minutesA new law in California is having surprising effects. In September of 2018, the governor of California signed into effect a gender diversity bill, which mandates that any corporate board in the state have at least one female board member. Further, beginning in July 2021, the bill requires a minimum of two women directors on boards with five directors and at least three women on boards with six or more…