Market Giving Biden Flashbacks to 1929
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAt the time of this writing, Biden was seen asking an aide to short shares of Studebaker.
Americans on Capitalism: Stupid Golden Age Makes Everything Look Too Yellow!
Reading Time: < 1 minuteI for one stand with Bernie Sanders: capitalism needs to buy the farm, or better yet, seize it from the landowner by force.
Review: Sarah Eustace Lefore Bed & Respite + Dickinson, North Dakota
Reading Time: 5 minutesThe bed itself was nice, and in a very pleasant little closet; on the website, this is listed as the “Valhalla Suite.” Well, it wasn’t a full-size bed by any means, but by curling into a circle, I could fit into it with the dog that I shared it with.
Supremes: Prisons Prohibited from Observing Daylight Saving Time, Violates Freedom from Cruel & Unusual Punishment
Reading Time: < 1 minuteJustice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the sole dissenting vote, writing with cutting disagreement that eliminating daylight savings time will “unfairly impede the ability of inmates to milk cows, pasture sheep, and attend to beaver slides.”
Physicians: Dementia Patients Should Be Supervised Around Sharp Objects; Nuclear Launch Codes
Reading Time: < 1 minuteWhile he seems to have a bit of a stutter, it’s Biden’s “advanced hypermalignant superdementia” that has given the AGS some pause. James Cromwell, the head of the AGS, told reporters in a phone interview,
Trump Will Fight Off Coronovirus Using Bone Spurs (And Maybe Golf Clubs)
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAddressing the press corps in the White House, the POTUS reminded people that bone spurs were invaluable in Vietnam. Although he couldn’t personally attend, he said that it still affected him: Agent Orange was in fact where he got the idea for his facial bronzing color.
Nervous: Biden Says Trump Not Responding Well to Breakbone Fever Epidemic
Reading Time: < 1 minuteExiting the stage in his home state of Delaware, Mr. Biden refused to shake any hands, citing his worries about “catching the leprosy.”
Bernie Snags Trump Vote by Offering Taxpayer-Subsidized Bronzer
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAfter ending a bad night neck-and-neck with Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders found himself needing any vote he could possibly get—even Donald Trump’s!
Bernie Sanders Nervously Asks If There Will Be a Food Line for Him
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Just if things don’t go well,” said Sanders, while nervously licking his lips, as his eyes darted hungrily at a Subway bag, though it was empty. “Do you suppose Joe, who I have always respected, will he have a bread line for me?”
Darn: Biden Wakes Up and Sees His Shadow, 6 More Months of Campaigning
Reading Time: < 1 minuteBiden groggily stumbled to a nearby podium, where he promised that, if he’s elected, he’ll repeal the Jim Crow laws, but warned that he has a strong stance on Prohibition, as alcohol is a gateway drug.
Relief: Combined Dem Candidate Age Now Only Stretches Back to Year 1712
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAfter thoughtfully removing all of the young, colored candidates, the Democrats now have a strong field of rich, white septuagenarians, the perfect people to take on the current rich, white septuagenarian in the White House.
Opinion: Bernie Beat Male Life Expectancy, So He Can Beat Trump, Too!
Reading Time: 2 minutesI, for one, was ecstatic when Bernie remarked,
“American journalists talk about how bad a country is because people are lining up for food. That’s a good thing! In other countries people don’t line up for food; the rich get the food and the poor starve.”
CNN: Trump Signs Unimportant Document with Group of Austere Religious Scholars
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSanders commented,
“I don’t know much about that, but I know that the USSR, who had great public infrastructure, and who provided free meals to its citizens, they fought those people. So if you ask me, in my book, Cenk, pulling out of Afghanistan is the wrong idea.”
MSNBC: Trump-Taliban Peace Deal Will Cost Troops Jobs
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDoha, Qatar—While the Trump administration tries to spin the peace deal with the Taliban as a good thing, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow has pointed out that it’s another sign that Trump just doesn’t support the troops. “In the worst economy we’ve ever seen, Trump decides to end over 18 years of solid employment for our troops—what an idiot. How DARE this man end the all-expenses-paid vacations that we were giving our…
CNN: Trump Administration Caught Working with Terrorists
Reading Time: < 1 minuteMSNBC’s Rachel Maddow noted, “These people killed Americans, and now Trump’s working with them. Any person who voted for him should be shot.”
Democrat Researchers Discover 2 New Human Rights Every Day
Reading Time: 2 minutesSanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.
Democratic Debate: $64 Billion Dollar Edition
Reading Time: 2 minutesVermont Senator Bernie Sanders
Dislikes include: Cubans being wrong about their opinions on Cuba, having to scold vicious Bernie Bros; the Democratic party as a whole.
Likes include: Color TV, which came out when he was 12.
Personal slogan: “What can Red do for you?”
Oops! Trump Releases Re-Election Logo YEARS Too Early, and Bernie’s Angry!
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Sanders campaign has expressed outrage, noting that while Sanders will definitely have kicked the bucket by 2024, it’s not acceptable for Trump to use such a logo, because it appropriates Bernie’s ideas.
In Exchange for Free College, Bernie Sanders Will Require Students to Serve 2 Years in Peace Corps or Antifa
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSanders says he also plans to rename the United States to the “United States Socialist Republic,” as “USSR has a nice ring to it.”
“Republican Mayor Steals Iowa—Geriatric, Native American; Communist Disappointed”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDes Moines—With the help of an app developed by Spectre, Inc., Republicans were able to get their Trojan-horse candidate the top spot in the Iowa caucuses. While the app initially had a spotty development, it was finished just in time with the help of an elite group of coders loaned to the DNC by Vladmir Putin. Elizabeth Warren, the lone Native American candidate, was happy to receive 18% of the…
To Simplify, LGBTQINB2S+ Becomes ∞-cishet
Reading Time: 2 minutesThere’s no hoax worse than heterosexuality. Well, except for claiming that there’s a ‘cis’ in ‘team.’
Man Embraces Incompetence to Get Coveted Manager Promotion
Reading Time: < 1 minuteKubrick says he observed that his own bosses were typically full of recommended managerial traits such as mendacity, jealousy, strife, and light-to-moderate perversion. Many of them were also about as intelligent as rutting goats.
Elizawoke Warren: SecDef Must Be Chosen by Young, Non-Binary, Demiqueer Two-Spirits
Reading Time: 2 minutesElizabeth Warren, falling in popularity with the woke, recently took a vision quest into their hearts and minds and discovered an undeniable truth.
Delta Introduces New 1st Class Seats, Best Experience for Sardines Yet!
Reading Time: 2 minutesDue to limited space, passengers above 4’10” will be asked to gate check their legs, but will be allowed to pick them up free of charge at their final destination.
Yale Cancels Own University After Discovering It was Founded by Straight, White, Christian Men
Reading Time: 2 minutesOut of a deep respect for the students, Yale administrators have agreed to cancel the university entirely. “Only in total silence are we truly free to speak,” said Dean of Students Karissa Star.