Reading Time: < 1 minuteTrump has promised that he will use his third term to walk among the ashes of California. His second term, which starts in 2021, will “probably be used to attend Ancient Joe’s funeral, he is old, very old, maybe the oldest, even ever.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesDemocrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAcknowledging that involvement increases investment, Joe Biden, running on the Harris-Biden ticket, has announced a plan to provide free college to all Americans—but there’s a catch.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteFollowing the announcement that President Trump will replace late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, progressive scientists across America are furiously researching ways to “just end it already.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesFormer VP Biden is currently claiming that he doesn’t even remember someone named Arack Osblama and that anyone who claims they’ve been seen together is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier for saying, you know, the thing.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAs 2020 rolled around, dōTERRA scientists realized that things needed to be kicked up a notch, because Essential Lavender just wasn’t cutting it for stressed-out Americans.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThere’s more to a person than just their name, and the NFL wants fans to make more of a connection with victims of police and vigilante brutality. Instead of only having the names of victims on their uniforms and helmets, NFL players will now have lists of quotable quotes and the hobbies and pastimes of the unfairly brutalized. “Smells like you’ve been with other men,” Drew Brees of the St….
Reading Time: 2 minutesNancy Pelosi was set up multiple times in the course of only one day, offering further proof that the alt-right will go to any lengths to undermine righteousness.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“It’s a shame that they didn’t listen to me,” said Dr. Fauci in one of his cherished telecons. “Where are they all to mock me now? Dead! In the ground, fertilizing plants. By the way, make sure you practice social distancing with your plants, they can spread coronavirus you know.”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHaving declared, “Corporations are people,” to much scorn and mockery from outraged liberals, Mitt Romney ended up on the right side of history today after dying in an auto accident and being instantly reincarnated as Raytheon.
Reading Time: 2 minutesHaving just been selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate, newly-minted VP candidate Kamala Harris is being forced to walk back claims that she made last year.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAlready anticipating a landslide victory just like they had with Hillary Clinton, the Democrats are busy preparing for a Biden administration.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteA 32-year old Portland man was arrested and released Saturday after a peaceful demonstration against spaghetti for dinner resulted in the hospitalization of his wife.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteI feel so awkward trying to comfort people and I just don’t seem to know the right things to say.
Reading Time: 2 minutesRachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“It was over in a flash,” Kingtaker tweeted. “We didn’t have time to think. From realizing he was on the far right, by my thumb, to beheaded, it couldn’t have been more than 9 hours. Adrenaline.”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteUnrelated to the unveiling, the city has also decided to abolish the entire police force.
Reading Time: 2 minutesGeorge Soros has promised to have the building demolished if the protestors can’t manage it, though he says he’s been rethinking his tactic of leaving pallets of bricks everywhere, which “seem to just be making it bigger.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesHistory classes are being scrapped! The book is being issued across all departments to teach people how to control the present to control the past, and how to control the past to control the future.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteMark Nelson knows that there’s no God, but he’s been feverishly rooting through his copy of Black’s Law Dictionary “just in case.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesSeeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, “Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Thankfully, MSNBC has told us that the only deadly violence in the CHAZ is very peaceful.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe President had no choice but to cede territory to the powerful Antifa organization.
Reading Time: 2 minutesResearch scientists have discovered problematic news: while we’ve always known that systemic racism has existed, a much uglier player is in this national game—namely, ugly people themselves.