Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Reading Time: 2 minutesBoulder, CO—Scientists at the University of Colorado School of Geophysics have overturned a long-held world record for planetary heat here on Earth. While the record was previously held by Iran’s Lut Desert, it’s been definitively relegated into the realm of sweaty has-beens.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe creators of the sci-fi horror flick, “The Bird Box,” have announced a sequel to the acclaimed movie, but this time you’ll be able to get a good look at the monsters.
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Just let them leave?” Harris spluttered. “Like live their own lives without our control? I hate them, but we can’t do that—their land is valuable, you hicks!”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteConyers, GA—Local mother Julie Andrews is overjoyed to see what her husband gets her for Mother’s Day, and she expressed that sentiment abundantly during our interview with her.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Out, out!” screamed Mx. Still. “I don’t know what alien gender you are, but on this planet, we give our pronouns so that we don’t make other people uncomfortable!”
Reading Time: 2 minutesLooking to prevent another unarmed insurrection where the only people killed are defenseless women, the CIA has announced that it will begin using Predator drones over the US landmass.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe data shows that the violence of white supremacy can occur even when the nearest white person is some 80 miles away.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteChopped is being replaced by a new cooking show where the judges simply tell each other that no one dish is better or worse than the other and refuse further comment on the merits of the dishes.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteA local 6-year-old girl has mastered the word “impostor” and now impresses her parents with it no less than 600 times per day, at a median decibel level of 87.
Reading Time: 2 minutesFacing blowback for policies at the border, the Biden administration has announced that it is uncaging thousands of migrant children.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“There’s nothing tastier than eating the bank account of a restaurateur who’s putting up a “PERMANENTLY CLOSED” sign,” he said with a chuckle and a smack of his lips. “Serve it up with a side of kids’ tears and you’ll have your new favorite dish.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Following the science, we were going to—Dr. that tickles, less tongue—going to just bake their heads in ovens, but the FAA said that didn’t comply with safety standards, and passenger safety is our number one priority,” the spokesperson continued as Dr. Fauci flicked him in the nose with a face-mask retention strap.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteWriters have hinted that the DC superheroes will try to put an end to the terrible, murderous menace by masking him up with at least two masks, as their leader Dr. Science S. Fauci recommends, “but it won’t go as well as they’d hope, and only 99.6% of them will survive.”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteWhite House press secretary Jen Psaki will finally be making good on promises to circle back to that.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteLess than 12 hours into his tenure in the White House and President Joe Biden has suffered an adorable mishap that makes our hearts smile. While watching workers move in his items, he snagged a vacuum from a janitor and tried to sniff the hair in its rollers.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteIn a massive bungle between Moderna and Microsoft, the nanochip in the new COVID vaccine is far too large to be injected safely.
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Look, I know that people think money grows on trees, but we have to face the fact that it doesn’t. Congress has to work very hard to tax that money from you, and we can’t just go giving it back,” McConnell said.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I get it, I get it. 2.0 had some problems. It wasn’t much fun for people. Americans want fun. Reading 5500-page stimulus bills isn’t fun at all, now is it? So we didn’t bother doing that, which is our way of leading by example. And here’s our next show of leadership,” Nadler said as he tossed a BB-gun to a confused reporter.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteWaking her up every 15 minutes might not work, so prison officials have gotten serious.
Reading Time: 3 minutes“Look, listen here,” Democrat, former Games volunteer Bernie Sanders told reporters. “Hey you, yah schmuck! We’ve had a lot of problems in this country, ain’t got enough bread lines, no joke. If we, mark my words, do not win the Games tonight, there will be hell to pay! We must embrace Cuban-style government. Great literacy program and some of the world’s best swimmers!”
Reading Time: 2 minutesAll candy will have to undergo a mandatory 14-day quarantine prior to consumption, unless it is used in peaceful protests during the November 3rd evening riots, in which case it is to be considered decontaminated via moral and ethical virtue washing.
Reading Time: 2 minutesVice President Mike Pence is scheduled to have a brief downtime on Thursday as White House IT personnel install a personality app into his operating system.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesRegardless of Biden and Harris’s landfall intensity, life-threatening highway stoppages and strong arson are likely over a large portion of the east coast, the west coast, and Chicago, as well as unsurvivable, rapidly-intensifying peaceful protests in Denver, CO and other metropolitan areas.