Trump Caves on PDX, Gives Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 46.253, -124.117
Reading Time: 2 minutes Trump Caves on PDX, Gives Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 46.253, -124.117
Underwater Society of Racists Found
Reading Time: 2 minutes Rachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.
Antifa Member Standing on Far Right in Group Photo Immediately Attacked
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It was over in a flash,” Kingtaker tweeted. “We didn’t have time to think. From realizing he was on the far right, by my thumb, to beheaded, it couldn’t have been more than 9 hours. Adrenaline.”
Minneapolis Opens World’s Largest Outdoor Shooting Range
Reading Time: < 1 minute Unrelated to the unveiling, the city has also decided to abolish the entire police force.
Protestors to Tear Down Alamo in Effort to Heal Nation
Reading Time: 2 minutes George Soros has promised to have the building demolished if the protestors can’t manage it, though he says he’s been rethinking his tactic of leaving pallets of bricks everywhere, which “seem to just be making it bigger.”
Orwell’s 1984 Being Issued as a Guidebook to Effective Social Change
Reading Time: 2 minutes History classes are being scrapped! The book is being issued across all departments to teach people how to control the present to control the past, and how to control the past to control the future.
Libertarian Atheist Preparing Sovereign-Citizen Defense Just in Case
Reading Time: < 1 minute Mark Nelson knows that there’s no God, but he’s been feverishly rooting through his copy of Black’s Law Dictionary “just in case.”
Hot New Pickup Artist Book for All Ages, “Ridin’ with Biden”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Seeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, “Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.”
Following Violence, Doctors Without Borders Deploying to CHAZ/CHOP
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Thankfully, MSNBC has told us that the only deadly violence in the CHAZ is very peaceful.”
Trump Caves, Will Give Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 48.281932, -122.951484
Reading Time: 2 minutes The President had no choice but to cede territory to the powerful Antifa organization.
Shock Research Finds Systemic Bias Against the Socially Awkward & Ugly
Reading Time: 2 minutes Research scientists have discovered problematic news: while we’ve always known that systemic racism has existed, a much uglier player is in this national game—namely, ugly people themselves.
COVID-19 to Disrupt Elections Due to Inexplicable Mass City Population Drop
Reading Time: 2 minutes News from the Centers for Disease Control, plus a proposal for an awkward political alliance.
Goodyear Tires Under Pressure to Change Name in 2020
Reading Time: < 1 minute Special correspondent A. Jones contributed to this report.
Odd, Lost Bible Text Found: “No one knows the day or the hour in 2020.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Researchers in Israel have found missing Biblical texts in an ancient manuscript collection, as well as carved into walls. While working in old caves near Gallilee, archaeologists were shocked to discover key parts of passages that they’d not seen before
The Blatant, White Supremacy of Joel Osteen’s Teeth
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Whiter than forgiven sins, whiter than snow,” he told his congregation about his most recent cleaning. “I won’t leave the dentist’s office until the radiant power of my teeth can drop a protestor at 500 paces. Watch as I roll back my lips as a scroll.” The front row of congregants was permanently blinded by the event.
How to Choose Democrat or Republican: A Field Guide
Reading Time: < 1 minute Here at Hiking in the Light, we believe that all choices are important, no matter how absolutely bleak they seem!
In Response to Defunding Movement, Trump Giving All Police Departments AT-ATs
Reading Time: 2 minutes “The call to remove our beautiful law enforcement agencies, which are the best in the world, and maybe the best that has been, even ever, is not just a tragedy, but an outrage. I have been telling local, state, and federal officials that they need to dominate the streets, and now they will. Starting now, AT-ATs will be supplied to all law enforcement agencies nationwide. That is all.”
Nancy Pelosi Vows to Fight for Wakanda
Reading Time: < 1 minute The latest news on Nancy Pelosi.
People Not Sure Why We’re Not Using Dirty Bombs for Social Justice Yet
Reading Time: 2 minutes As long as it’s not my shop or my home being looted or burned, I’m all for it. And if a little violence is good, maybe nothing short of a dirty bomb is the real solution. Send me your address, and I’ll be there in solidarity with a little critical, social justice. I’m eager to help.
CNN: Racism Has Killed Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minute Racism has killed coronavirus. Not content to target minorities struggling to make a go of things, it’s now targeted and in fact entirely killed off the novel coronavirus. “Never in our lifetimes have we witnessed a genocide due to racism,” remarked Anderson Cooper. “Well, until now. Yes, folks, racism has killed off the entirety of the novel coronavirus. It had just arrived in America, a poor immigrant struggling to get…
America’s New Favorite Pastime: Social Justice LARPing
Reading Time: < 1 minute Yes, citizens across the entire US are taking part. “Look, an evil dragon’s lair,” shouted one social justice LARPer. “He’s been oppressing minorities! Let’s teach him a lesson.” He and his merry band of masked men then smashed into the local Walmart and looted all of the TVs and laptops and cameras and cash from the evil dragon’s den.
Opinion: If You’re Not Burning Down Your Own Home or Work, You’re Complicit in Racism
Reading Time: 2 minutes Wishing you a brightly burning future, and remember: if you don’t destroy your own place, I’ll help. I’m only a few more days of protesting from a very comfy retirement.
Christian Accidentally Watches News, Immediately Decides to Move to Nineveh
Reading Time: 2 minutes He left his house to take a walk and clear his mind, but found that dogs were forming into packs in the streets, and all the trees were covered in murders of crows as far as his eyes could see.
US Adopts Mob Immunity Strategy
Reading Time: 2 minutes In a statement, Joe Biden stated that he supports the rage that people are feeling. “Look, look, I felt that way once, I did. I hear you. I, I, I used a chain, a chain on CornPop, after telling him that I was going to, ‘Look, gonna come up there and yank you off.’ So, like I was saying, two stones with one bird here, we kill the mob and get justice for the virus.”
Smoke From Peaceful American Protest Fires Seen From Space
Reading Time: 2 minutes Most of the astronauts were pretty bummed to be stuck in space, as they heard that people at the protests were getting absolute bargains from local stores, no coupons required!