How to Choose Democrat or Republican: A Field Guide
Reading Time: < 1 minute Here at Hiking in the Light, we believe that all choices are important, no matter how absolutely bleak they seem!
In Response to Defunding Movement, Trump Giving All Police Departments AT-ATs
Reading Time: 2 minutes “The call to remove our beautiful law enforcement agencies, which are the best in the world, and maybe the best that has been, even ever, is not just a tragedy, but an outrage. I have been telling local, state, and federal officials that they need to dominate the streets, and now they will. Starting now, AT-ATs will be supplied to all law enforcement agencies nationwide. That is all.”
Nancy Pelosi Vows to Fight for Wakanda
Reading Time: < 1 minute The latest news on Nancy Pelosi.
People Not Sure Why We’re Not Using Dirty Bombs for Social Justice Yet
Reading Time: 2 minutes As long as it’s not my shop or my home being looted or burned, I’m all for it. And if a little violence is good, maybe nothing short of a dirty bomb is the real solution. Send me your address, and I’ll be there in solidarity with a little critical, social justice. I’m eager to help.
CNN: Racism Has Killed Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minute Racism has killed coronavirus. Not content to target minorities struggling to make a go of things, it’s now targeted and in fact entirely killed off the novel coronavirus. “Never in our lifetimes have we witnessed a genocide due to racism,” remarked Anderson Cooper. “Well, until now. Yes, folks, racism has killed off the entirety of the novel coronavirus. It had just arrived in America, a poor immigrant struggling to get…
America’s New Favorite Pastime: Social Justice LARPing
Reading Time: < 1 minute Yes, citizens across the entire US are taking part. “Look, an evil dragon’s lair,” shouted one social justice LARPer. “He’s been oppressing minorities! Let’s teach him a lesson.” He and his merry band of masked men then smashed into the local Walmart and looted all of the TVs and laptops and cameras and cash from the evil dragon’s den.
Opinion: If You’re Not Burning Down Your Own Home or Work, You’re Complicit in Racism
Reading Time: 2 minutes Wishing you a brightly burning future, and remember: if you don’t destroy your own place, I’ll help. I’m only a few more days of protesting from a very comfy retirement.
Christian Accidentally Watches News, Immediately Decides to Move to Nineveh
Reading Time: 2 minutes He left his house to take a walk and clear his mind, but found that dogs were forming into packs in the streets, and all the trees were covered in murders of crows as far as his eyes could see.
US Adopts Mob Immunity Strategy
Reading Time: 2 minutes In a statement, Joe Biden stated that he supports the rage that people are feeling. “Look, look, I felt that way once, I did. I hear you. I, I, I used a chain, a chain on CornPop, after telling him that I was going to, ‘Look, gonna come up there and yank you off.’ So, like I was saying, two stones with one bird here, we kill the mob and get justice for the virus.”
Smoke From Peaceful American Protest Fires Seen From Space
Reading Time: 2 minutes Most of the astronauts were pretty bummed to be stuck in space, as they heard that people at the protests were getting absolute bargains from local stores, no coupons required!
Fed Chairman JPow Accidentally Exchanges Entire US Economy for 3 Magic Beans
Reading Time: 3 minutes Once upon a time, there lived an orange-skinned man and his son, Jerome, or JPow, as his friends called him, on their small estate in the fabled land of Washington, DC. It was said to be a hive of scum and villainy, but the orange-skinned man, Mr. Donald, and his son, Jerome Powell, well, they made the best of it in trying times.
Uh-Oh, Biden: Historians Discover that CornPop Wouldn’t Have Voted for Joe, Wasn’t Black
Reading Time: < 1 minute Candidate Joe Biden’s odd story about getting into a chain-fight with bad-boy pool Kraken CornPop came under fire today.
Walmart’s New Microsoft Robots Ask, “I See You’re Trying to Buy Groceries—Can I Help You GET VACCINATED?”
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Kathleen, our records indicate that you haven’t been vaccinated with the GATES’ HUMAN DEFENDER antivirus. To resolve this issue, please select “Ok, I’ll be vaccinated,” or “Cancel” to exit the store immediately. Remember, if it moves and has blood, it can be vaccinated!” the robot said cheerfully.
Trump Promised to Pay Off $19 Trillion Debt in 8 Years, Only $26.4 Trillion Left to Go!
Reading Time: < 1 minute President Trump wooed conservatives with promises to pay off the $19 trillion national debt in only eight years, and good news—only $25.4 trillion left to go! It’s a darn sight better than that rotten Obummer did with his 8 years, that’s for sure!
YouTube Launches New Online Learning Platform, Offers Doctorate of Official Narrative
Reading Time: < 1 minute So far the institution only offers PhDs, including a Doctorate of Official Narrative and a Doctorate of Liberty Suppression. The courses can be completed in under 8 hours, but teach people how to quickly suss out what sort of videos should and shouldn’t be viewed by the public at large, how to ban people in online platforms, and how to be maximally condescending.
Science-Minded Skeptic Says Conspiracy Theories Are Nonsense, But He’s Pretty Interested in Conspiracy Hypotheses
Reading Time: < 1 minute Local Republican city councilman Dan Boyds says that the hysteria over coronavirus really needs to settle down, especially since the virus hasn’t killed “an appreciable number of [his] own friends.” Boyds says that he thinks that the death toll is overstated. Last week a man got “gobbled by a shark, and it was COVID death,” he said, which he found “kinda suspicious, honestly.” When queried as to whether or not…
Dem Bill to Give Teachers Tax-Exempt Military Pay as Frontline Soldiers in War Against Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minute Realizing that teachers in face-to-face educational settings will see casualty rates in the range of 99-100%, and sometimes higher in red states, which sadly embrace the deadly disease, the Democrats have launched into action to save lives.
Unwary Swimmer Killed in Front of Anti-lockdown Beachgoers by Man-Eating Great White Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minute Mayor Bill de Blasio had told citizens that any person caught swimming would be taken right out of the water, but it was too late for one foolish local resident.
Opinion: It’s Easy To Spot A Mass Murderer. They Don’t Wear Masks.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Go and look out your kitchen window. Have you done it? Did you see anyone on the street, walking in the fresh air and sunshine? Most were decent, law-abiding citizens, the type that you’d never invite into your home, obviously, but who you’d smile at from behind your N95, and hope that they understood.
But I bet you saw something else, too.
Prudent Local Adulterer Demands Woman be Tested for COVID-19 Prior to Infidelity
Reading Time: 2 minutes Bryan Franzel hopes that the lockdowns will end soon, as he thinks that the state shouldn’t be involved in anyone’s bedroom, and he’s really tired of the forced monogamy.
Biden Promises to Inspect Coronavirus Fallout in All 13 States
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Listen up, bucko,” he angrily remarked at the camera. “Who are you and what are you staring at?” An aide was fetched to change his Zoom screen, which he had accidentally set to show his own face.
Fauci Warns: Stay Inside! If Sunlight & Fresh Air Kill Coronavirus, Just Imagine What They Might Do to You
Reading Time: 2 minutes Dr. Fauci warned America of the new, invisible enemy.
Review: Allen “Baby Jones” Jones
Reading Time: 4 minutes Who is Allen “Baby Jones” Jones? The world’s most enviable man.
China Says Everything Back to Normal, But Tells Students “No More School Field Trips to Your Friendly, Local Bat Virology Lab”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Xi had to pause to take a call from the Secretary of Education and started screaming, “No, no! No school field trip to the friendly, local bat virology lab! No more of those! You stop them!”
Millennial Hopes Everyone in Sweden Dies So That People Take Coronavirus More Seriously
Reading Time: < 1 minute His posting history reveals that he’s wanted boomers to die for a couple of years, but now it’s out of compassion.