Dems Commit to Court Packing by Making Literally EVERY Citizen a Justice
Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Trump Commits to Peaceful Transfer of Power to Himself as Forever-Ruler
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Biden Promises Free College in Exchange for 2 Years Public Service in Peace Corps, Antifa
Reading Time: 2 minutes Acknowledging that involvement increases investment, Joe Biden, running on the Harris-Biden ticket, has announced a plan to provide free college to all Americans—but there’s a catch.
Ginsburg’s Will Reveals She Bequeathed Seat to Granddaughter
Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”
Dem Scientists Look for Way to Detonate Yellowstone to “Just End It Already”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Following the announcement that President Trump will replace late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, progressive scientists across America are furiously researching ways to “just end it already.”
Millions of Trump Voters Suddenly Support Obama
Reading Time: 2 minutes Former VP Biden is currently claiming that he doesn’t even remember someone named Arack Osblama and that anyone who claims they’ve been seen together is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier for saying, you know, the thing.
dōTERRA Oil’s New “Essential Opioid” Line a Smash Hit with Newly-Homeschooling Moms
Reading Time: 2 minutes As 2020 rolled around, dōTERRA scientists realized that things needed to be kicked up a notch, because Essential Lavender just wasn’t cutting it for stressed-out Americans.
NFL Puts Quotes from Virtuous Victims on Helmets
Reading Time: < 1 minute There’s more to a person than just their name, and the NFL wants fans to make more of a connection with victims of police and vigilante brutality. Instead of only having the names of victims on their uniforms and helmets, NFL players will now have lists of quotable quotes and the hobbies and pastimes of the unfairly brutalized. “Smells like you’ve been with other men,” Drew Brees of the St….
“IT WAS A SETUP!” Pelosi Says After Smashing Truck into Liquor Store, Stealing Wine
Reading Time: 2 minutes Nancy Pelosi was set up multiple times in the course of only one day, offering further proof that the alt-right will go to any lengths to undermine righteousness.
USA, Other Lockdown Countries Vie for What Little Remains of Sweden
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s a shame that they didn’t listen to me,” said Dr. Fauci in one of his cherished telecons. “Where are they all to mock me now? Dead! In the ground, fertilizing plants. By the way, make sure you practice social distancing with your plants, they can spread coronavirus you know.”
Mitt Romney Dies, Reincarnates as Corporation
Reading Time: < 1 minute Having declared, “Corporations are people,” to much scorn and mockery from outraged liberals, Mitt Romney ended up on the right side of history today after dying in an auto accident and being instantly reincarnated as Raytheon.
Kamala Gently Walks Back Claim that Biden a Racist Sexual Predator
Reading Time: 2 minutes Having just been selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate, newly-minted VP candidate Kamala Harris is being forced to walk back claims that she made last year.
Biden Transition Team to Reverse-Lock, Camouflage Exits in White House
Reading Time: < 1 minute Already anticipating a landslide victory just like they had with Hillary Clinton, the Democrats are busy preparing for a Biden administration.
Christians: Netflix and Your Children
Reading Time: 3 minutes We should be nice to everyone, treating them with gentleness and respect, PERIOD. However, we also need to stand firm against moral decay. Netflix recently posted this thread about the damage of misgendering pre-pubescent kids:
Man Arrested After Peaceful Spousal Abuse Intensified
Reading Time: < 1 minute A 32-year old Portland man was arrested and released Saturday after a peaceful demonstration against spaghetti for dinner resulted in the hospitalization of his wife.
Trump Caves on PDX, Gives Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 46.253, -124.117
Reading Time: 2 minutes Trump Caves on PDX, Gives Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 46.253, -124.117
Underwater Society of Racists Found
Reading Time: 2 minutes Rachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.
Antifa Member Standing on Far Right in Group Photo Immediately Attacked
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It was over in a flash,” Kingtaker tweeted. “We didn’t have time to think. From realizing he was on the far right, by my thumb, to beheaded, it couldn’t have been more than 9 hours. Adrenaline.”
Minneapolis Opens World’s Largest Outdoor Shooting Range
Reading Time: < 1 minute Unrelated to the unveiling, the city has also decided to abolish the entire police force.
Protestors to Tear Down Alamo in Effort to Heal Nation
Reading Time: 2 minutes George Soros has promised to have the building demolished if the protestors can’t manage it, though he says he’s been rethinking his tactic of leaving pallets of bricks everywhere, which “seem to just be making it bigger.”
Orwell’s 1984 Being Issued as a Guidebook to Effective Social Change
Reading Time: 2 minutes History classes are being scrapped! The book is being issued across all departments to teach people how to control the present to control the past, and how to control the past to control the future.
Libertarian Atheist Preparing Sovereign-Citizen Defense Just in Case
Reading Time: < 1 minute Mark Nelson knows that there’s no God, but he’s been feverishly rooting through his copy of Black’s Law Dictionary “just in case.”
Hot New Pickup Artist Book for All Ages, “Ridin’ with Biden”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Seeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, “Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.”
Following Violence, Doctors Without Borders Deploying to CHAZ/CHOP
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Thankfully, MSNBC has told us that the only deadly violence in the CHAZ is very peaceful.”
Trump Caves, Will Give Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 48.281932, -122.951484
Reading Time: 2 minutes The President had no choice but to cede territory to the powerful Antifa organization.