Following Violence, Doctors Without Borders Deploying to CHAZ/CHOP
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Thankfully, MSNBC has told us that the only deadly violence in the CHAZ is very peaceful.”
Trump Caves, Will Give Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 48.281932, -122.951484
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe President had no choice but to cede territory to the powerful Antifa organization.
Shock Research Finds Systemic Bias Against the Socially Awkward & Ugly
Reading Time: 2 minutesResearch scientists have discovered problematic news: while we’ve always known that systemic racism has existed, a much uglier player is in this national game—namely, ugly people themselves.
COVID-19 to Disrupt Elections Due to Inexplicable Mass City Population Drop
Reading Time: 2 minutesNews from the Centers for Disease Control, plus a proposal for an awkward political alliance.
Goodyear Tires Under Pressure to Change Name in 2020
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSpecial correspondent A. Jones contributed to this report.
Odd, Lost Bible Text Found: “No one knows the day or the hour in 2020.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesResearchers in Israel have found missing Biblical texts in an ancient manuscript collection, as well as carved into walls. While working in old caves near Gallilee, archaeologists were shocked to discover key parts of passages that they’d not seen before
The Blatant, White Supremacy of Joel Osteen’s Teeth
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Whiter than forgiven sins, whiter than snow,” he told his congregation about his most recent cleaning. “I won’t leave the dentist’s office until the radiant power of my teeth can drop a protestor at 500 paces. Watch as I roll back my lips as a scroll.” The front row of congregants was permanently blinded by the event.
How to Choose Democrat or Republican: A Field Guide
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHere at Hiking in the Light, we believe that all choices are important, no matter how absolutely bleak they seem!
In Response to Defunding Movement, Trump Giving All Police Departments AT-ATs
Reading Time: 2 minutes“The call to remove our beautiful law enforcement agencies, which are the best in the world, and maybe the best that has been, even ever, is not just a tragedy, but an outrage. I have been telling local, state, and federal officials that they need to dominate the streets, and now they will. Starting now, AT-ATs will be supplied to all law enforcement agencies nationwide. That is all.”
Nancy Pelosi Vows to Fight for Wakanda
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe latest news on Nancy Pelosi.
People Not Sure Why We’re Not Using Dirty Bombs for Social Justice Yet
Reading Time: 2 minutesAs long as it’s not my shop or my home being looted or burned, I’m all for it. And if a little violence is good, maybe nothing short of a dirty bomb is the real solution. Send me your address, and I’ll be there in solidarity with a little critical, social justice. I’m eager to help.
CNN: Racism Has Killed Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minuteRacism has killed coronavirus. Not content to target minorities struggling to make a go of things, it’s now targeted and in fact entirely killed off the novel coronavirus. “Never in our lifetimes have we witnessed a genocide due to racism,” remarked Anderson Cooper. “Well, until now. Yes, folks, racism has killed off the entirety of the novel coronavirus. It had just arrived in America, a poor immigrant struggling to get…
America’s New Favorite Pastime: Social Justice LARPing
Reading Time: < 1 minuteYes, citizens across the entire US are taking part. “Look, an evil dragon’s lair,” shouted one social justice LARPer. “He’s been oppressing minorities! Let’s teach him a lesson.” He and his merry band of masked men then smashed into the local Walmart and looted all of the TVs and laptops and cameras and cash from the evil dragon’s den.
Opinion: If You’re Not Burning Down Your Own Home or Work, You’re Complicit in Racism
Reading Time: 2 minutesWishing you a brightly burning future, and remember: if you don’t destroy your own place, I’ll help. I’m only a few more days of protesting from a very comfy retirement.
Christian Accidentally Watches News, Immediately Decides to Move to Nineveh
Reading Time: 2 minutesHe left his house to take a walk and clear his mind, but found that dogs were forming into packs in the streets, and all the trees were covered in murders of crows as far as his eyes could see.
US Adopts Mob Immunity Strategy
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn a statement, Joe Biden stated that he supports the rage that people are feeling. “Look, look, I felt that way once, I did. I hear you. I, I, I used a chain, a chain on CornPop, after telling him that I was going to, ‘Look, gonna come up there and yank you off.’ So, like I was saying, two stones with one bird here, we kill the mob and get justice for the virus.”
Smoke From Peaceful American Protest Fires Seen From Space
Reading Time: 2 minutesMost of the astronauts were pretty bummed to be stuck in space, as they heard that people at the protests were getting absolute bargains from local stores, no coupons required!
Fed Chairman JPow Accidentally Exchanges Entire US Economy for 3 Magic Beans
Reading Time: 3 minutesOnce upon a time, there lived an orange-skinned man and his son, Jerome, or JPow, as his friends called him, on their small estate in the fabled land of Washington, DC. It was said to be a hive of scum and villainy, but the orange-skinned man, Mr. Donald, and his son, Jerome Powell, well, they made the best of it in trying times.
Uh-Oh, Biden: Historians Discover that CornPop Wouldn’t Have Voted for Joe, Wasn’t Black
Reading Time: < 1 minuteCandidate Joe Biden’s odd story about getting into a chain-fight with bad-boy pool Kraken CornPop came under fire today.
Walmart’s New Microsoft Robots Ask, “I See You’re Trying to Buy Groceries—Can I Help You GET VACCINATED?”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Kathleen, our records indicate that you haven’t been vaccinated with the GATES’ HUMAN DEFENDER antivirus. To resolve this issue, please select “Ok, I’ll be vaccinated,” or “Cancel” to exit the store immediately. Remember, if it moves and has blood, it can be vaccinated!” the robot said cheerfully.
Trump Promised to Pay Off $19 Trillion Debt in 8 Years, Only $26.4 Trillion Left to Go!
Reading Time: < 1 minutePresident Trump wooed conservatives with promises to pay off the $19 trillion national debt in only eight years, and good news—only $25.4 trillion left to go! It’s a darn sight better than that rotten Obummer did with his 8 years, that’s for sure!
YouTube Launches New Online Learning Platform, Offers Doctorate of Official Narrative
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSo far the institution only offers PhDs, including a Doctorate of Official Narrative and a Doctorate of Liberty Suppression. The courses can be completed in under 8 hours, but teach people how to quickly suss out what sort of videos should and shouldn’t be viewed by the public at large, how to ban people in online platforms, and how to be maximally condescending.
Science-Minded Skeptic Says Conspiracy Theories Are Nonsense, But He’s Pretty Interested in Conspiracy Hypotheses
Reading Time: < 1 minuteLocal Republican city councilman Dan Boyds says that the hysteria over coronavirus really needs to settle down, especially since the virus hasn’t killed “an appreciable number of [his] own friends.” Boyds says that he thinks that the death toll is overstated. Last week a man got “gobbled by a shark, and it was COVID death,” he said, which he found “kinda suspicious, honestly.” When queried as to whether or not…
Dem Bill to Give Teachers Tax-Exempt Military Pay as Frontline Soldiers in War Against Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minuteRealizing that teachers in face-to-face educational settings will see casualty rates in the range of 99-100%, and sometimes higher in red states, which sadly embrace the deadly disease, the Democrats have launched into action to save lives.
Unwary Swimmer Killed in Front of Anti-lockdown Beachgoers by Man-Eating Great White Coronavirus
Reading Time: < 1 minuteMayor Bill de Blasio had told citizens that any person caught swimming would be taken right out of the water, but it was too late for one foolish local resident.